I know I probably overindulge my kids in many ways…buying them a new pair of shoes when their current pair is too small and a toe nail has fallen off…slicing up an apple for my kindergartener who has no front teeth (on top or bottom)…managing to have clean underwear available each morning in a pile in my bedroom…but I have got to draw the line at Half Birthdays. 

I find them strangely weird and I think they should be banned.

For those of you uninitiated into the Phenomena of Half BDs – it’s the six-month date before or after your child’s birthday (which, duh, is the same day) and parents across the world…or rather moms in affluent suburbs with too much time on their hands…feel the need to celebrate on behalf of their sweet little muffins.  Apparently some clever mom decided that her child who has a summer birthday will be irrevocably scarred by not celebrating a birthday in class with all his/her BFF’s from preschool.  So, mommies create a faux birthday and deliver cookies and balloons to the classroom and take pics of their widdle biddy snookims celebrating their artificially created day.  I’ll bet Creative Memories even has a Half Birthday photo album.  Ugh. 

And you should know that both my kids have summer birthdays making them ideal candidates for half birthday, black tie galas.  And never once has anyone borne of my loins come to me and said “Mommy, why don’t I get a half birthday party like Cassie?”  Never once have either said “You’re a great Mom, but you really screwed up on the half birthday thing.  Whassup with that?”  Never once have they scrolled through Easter pictures and said “Hey, where are the pics from my half birthday?”

Since I do not and never will celebrate Half Birthdays OR Half Christmas OR Half Wedding Anniversary OR Half Cinco De Mayo for that matter, you’re probably wondering why I even care about half-birthdays at all.  Well, you are never going to believe this.  As my daughter’s room mom, I received an email from other room moms regarding their celebration of an assistant teacher’s half birthday.  They wanted to know if our class wanted to participate in the half birthday festivities.  And they were serious.  A half birthday celebration for adults. 

Clearly, I am an unfit room mom.  But I am a smart unfit room mom.  So when my co-room mom explained to me several times over that, yep, it was indeed a serious gesture, I hopped to it.  I mean, I may personally think that a celebration of a half of anything may be borderline OCD, who wants to be the slack room mom of the slack class who couldn’t get it together.  And then I realized that our lead teacher also had a summer birthday, so all of a sudden we were stuck with TWO half birthdays to celebrate this week. Cuz goodness help us if she feels left out of the partial merriment of half birthdays. So I got in the game and got lunch delivered and cards made.  Feliz cumpleanos.

Please know that I am the first to support a teacher with words, gifts and shameless cash. I am the first (well, maybe the second) to good-naturedly bring in snacks, prescription hand sanitizer and Brawny paper towels (no generic, please) to stock classrooms.  I also know that teachers are the most underappreciated people on the planet (aside from the nice nurse who had to check my bandages after my C-section…gross).  All I’m saying is that surely there are other ways to celebrate a teacher, to tell her we love the very essence of who she is and to appreciate the undeniable impact she has on our little muffins than celebrating The Half Anniversary of the Day One Was Born.  Really.